


We Will Be Winners

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Ethan Gold Bashing, Michael Novotny Bashing, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-01
Updated: 2005-11-29
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:19:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: After the Rage-party and after Ethan, who was an abusive boyfriend, Justin wants to try and fix things with Brian, leaving him a message to meet that evening. Michael interferes, eventually causing Justin to leave Pittsburgh and his heart behind. Very very very anti-michael.Can't stand the guy....What will Brian do when he realizes his heart has stopped its beating?PS: I've written and posted 9 chapters, to see them - sign in, admit a review and then go back to story...Thanks.xxxL.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Dedicated to Leslie.

* * *

JUSTINS POV

Brian.

The pencil scratches across the velvet paper, like my fingers used to fly across your skin. Exactly 578.238.965.421 seconds ago.

I have left you Brian. 

And yet, as I am sitting here, in front of Chinmans' window, it is you that I am drawing. Your face smiles back at me, reassuring me. But your eyes, hiding behind a mask of rage seem so sad. I know you were crying, you know. Tears never fell, but you cried. You hid them, to anyone but me. Bright, raw, intense hazel eyes are staring back at me. But your smile never fades.

'If I could put you in a frame   
I'd draw you smiling.'

When we were together, I'd always try and find you in songs. My only passion, besides you, and my art. I found quite a few descriptions of you - of what we had. There's one that always lingered, so real, and..so you: Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile - still stays on. (Queen - the show must go on) You would've been a great actor, Brian. Yet I read you like a book. For a while. I seem to have gone blind. And I didn't know what to do. 

So I left you.

'Is there no room for us  
I'll make a space for us.

All is indefinite   
in you.'

I know we will be winners. 

If I meant anything to you - at a time, then meet me tonight. I will be standing on the loft's roof at 10 pm. If you choose not to come, I'll get the message. I may be blind, but I am not stupid. I will attach this letter to your door. I miss the door and where it lead me.

'Meet me in the room where we kissed  
where you changed me, estranged me.'

I still love you. I always will.  
To me - that's all that matters.

Justin.

~~

I attach the letter to the door of the loft, as promised, and run to clear my head. It has been a while since I left ethan and yet the bruises haven't quite faded. Our relationship was like the flower I had craved for so long. Blood-red yet beautiful, satinlike. Thorny. I felt like I deserved it, though. For a week or so. Thank God for Daphne. So I left. Again. I am searching for my haven. Maybe I have left it to come back home in the end. I'm just afraid to sail there. What if he won't let me in.

Counting the hours until my ship will sail the shores.

 

MICHAELS POV

"Brian."  
"BRIAN!!answer your fucking phone" Goddamn it! I have to find him. I can't believe what that ASSHOLE-CLIENT at my store said to me today! Well fuck him! God, I soooo need Brian right now.

I find myself driving over to his loft and let myself in.

The first thing I see on the top-floor is the envelope attached to his metal door. The handwriting seems vaguely familiar. After a few seconds I realize it's that little shit's. He must have wrote Brian a fucking letter. Well, fuck him too! We don't need to deal with his shit right now, especially Brian, who has been acting kind of weird these weeks. I s'pose it's just work. He works to hard. He never spends time with us anymore.

I do what any best friend would do and remove the letter from the door, whistleing as I enter the loft.

 

BRIANS POV

I'm so...tired. I feel twice my age ever since..ever since he left. No, I tell myself. don't - don't - don't think about him. Blinking back the tears that are threatening to spill I slide open the loftdoor. The first thing I notice is a white envelope, lying on the breakfastbar."Just.."I whisper. No such luck, as I recognize Mickey's handwriting. I open it anyway, it mi- it might say something about Justin.

Bri,   
had a bad day and reaaally needed to talk to you. You weren't here, though. So I let myself in - didn't think you'd mind.  
(I snort - God, Mickey - - Grow the fuck up!)  
come out with us tonight please! You owe it to me, I'm your best friend for chrissakes. What kind of a friend are you, neglecting us that way?  
Meet us at Babylon

Mickey.

I retreat to the bed, but not before turning off my cellphone, the buzzer to the door and our - my homenumber.  
The world can wait tonight.


	2. We Will Be Winners

The Character of Aunt Frida is inspired by my fathers aunt, my godmother Frida Lauwers. There are absolutely no resemblances, but she is an amazing woman. She has cancer and probably won't make it 'til Christmas. I love her very much, so I dedicate this character to her.

* * *

JUSTINS POV

My tears flow freely as the churchbell rings eleven times. I may be blinded by my tears - but I can see things clearly. So I pick up my duffelbag and descend the building by using the fire-escape-stairs. Before turning around, I whisper my goodbye by telling him I love him once more.

I stop at the payphone on the corner to make a call.

"Hey, Aunt Frida, could I...yeah, sort of. Oh my god, thank you so much." I breathe a sigh of relief." I'll be there in the morning..I'll sleep on the bus. Yes, I'll be careful. I love you too. Bye. A bientot!"

Next thing I know, the bus is driving me further away from the place I call my home. Whoever thinks I'm a shit for leaving this way - hear me out first. I was in a cuddling-mood today, for uh...'No good reason', as I told Debbie, my mom, the munchers and Em.Daphne and Gus knew maybe I had to leave. Strange to tell a toddler, but he'll keep the secret.This way my heart sort of told Brian.I chuckle. I told his mini-version. He can't forget about me, that little man. He just...can't.

' Sure, I guess I must be strong  
but what if I'm just very wrong  
and what if I don't know where I belong

Here I go, say goodbye to everything I know  
Here I go, I'll love you 'til the end of time  
I have to do this on my own, so here, here I go.'

It's raining. The tears and raindrops seem to collide under the starry sky. I am leaving my home and my heart behind me. The world begins tonight.

And I won't feel a thing.

~~

"Sweetheart!"  
"Hey Aunt Frida. Thanks so much for allowing me to stay for a couple of days." I smile a very low-watted smile. It is all I can manage right now.

"Anytime, my boy, any time. Lander has been lonely without his favorite prince, so why don't you go say hello?" Damn, I missed Lander so much. Lander is my horse, another stud to own my heart.So I do just that.

~~

2 weeks and 3 days later, Deb's familydinner.

DEBS POV

"Has anybody seen Sunshine lately?" I ask the table. Brian, stubborn as he is, keeps on eating his meal, though he is listening more than he was before. A mother knows these things.

The whole table shakes their head and people begin to mumble, suddenly thinking about it all. Suddenly realizing things.

Finally Lindsay speaks up."We haven't seen him since, when was it Mel? Two weeks ago, Thursday, I think. I remember him being very touchy and in a hugging-mood.He couldn't take his eyes off of Gus."

"Oh my God, me too! same day.same mood.same situation.Well, except for Gussie of course." Emmett.

I nod my head.

A whisper." Was it me or did it feel like a goodbye?" 

 

BRIANS POV

No. Nooooo. Absolutely not. NO. He's just...no.

As silence covers the table like a blanket, every one of us is thinking. Some of them are crying. And I just..die. I feel hollow and - no, it can't be true. He can't be gone. Because with him really gone, I can't go on breathing.I have left the loft very few times these weeks and have avoided the spots where we'd have to speak. But at least he was here, he was ok.

I CAN'T do this. I get up and leave, while vaguely hearing Michael yell something about the fact that we're all better off without him. He just can't see. See me.

But he could. He could...


	3. We Will Be Winners

Once again - Dedicated to Leslie.

* * *

JUSTINS POV

"You know what you need, m'boy?" Her eyes are sparkling wickedly. I shake my head, both because of her antics and because I don't know the answer to her seemingly very logical question.

"Lander deserves a couple of weeks in the country. Why don't you treat him to a holiday,eh? Ride throughout he forests, alongside the rivers, rest that pretty little head of yours in the green green grass and dream. Dream all day long and sleep at night. Ride to the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream and to think your life over.Think about your Brian, and the answer will come to you at sea. Whaddya think?"

I smile a smile that would put the stars to shame and nod my head furiously.

"Well go ahead then, cowboy! Giddy-up!" She's come to the point where she's starting to imitate a horse, jumping and making very weird noises. I take it as my cue to leave and head for the stables.

"Hey Lander, ready to go?" I laugh when he starts rubbing his head against my jeans, tickling me. "NOoOOOOO!" I giggle. And after packing my backpack, I ride out to sea.

 

Day one.-.

As I lay here in the grass, Lander grazing next to me, I watch the clouds and think about him. I wonder if he even realizes I have left Pittsburgh. I sent a letter to Deb today, she'll probably hang it on display in the diner. It's not a very personal one, well, yeah, I mean, of course it's personal but it's not- intimate, that's the word. I said I was ok, that I was in good company and that one of my best friend lived here. He doesn't say much, but he's a great listener.He can fly like the wind. (that was my hint to Lander being a horse, hope she got that one) I told her I missed her, that I missed everybody, and told her to take care of my imaginary turtle (being our codename for Brian). "I love you,"I signed."Justin."

 

BRIANS POV 

God, I miss him. And I wonder: Where is he?Is he eating well?Are they reminding him to take his medicin?Is he ok?

Does he ever think about me?

Deb and the gang are worried sick. All but Mickey of course. I CAN'T stand to be around him anymore. Not until he stops talking about Justin that way. Doesn't he know how I feel about Justin? Doesn't he know that I lo- love him? Christ, what kind of best friend is he if he can't even figure that out?

"CYNTHIA?CYNTHIA!!" I'm not mad, I'm desperate -- huge difference.

"You barked?" She's all smiles today. Everday. Doesn't she know that HE is gone?Doesn't she care?

"Could you please get Daphne Chanders on the phone for me?Thanks" I hope she can help me.Please who-ever-the-fuck's-out-there, let her be able to help me.

"Hee- Hello?"  
"Hey gorgeous." I smile, she really is a beauty. Honestly, if I were straight, I'd marry her pronto.

"Brian?" She's amazed.confused.proud.  
"Yeah, it's me. Could we - uh - talk, sometime?" Please, don't reject me. Don't.

"Can you come over now?"  
Relief. "Yeah, I'll be there in 10. And Daphne...thank you."

"No problem Bri. Anytime."

DIALTONE

"Cynthia??I'm going out for a couple of hours. I'll be back in time for Eye Conic - optics."

She just nods.Maybe she does care.

15 minutes later - Daphne's appartement

"Hey beauty." She blushes and giggles for a moment, then comes to her senses.   
"Hey Bri, come on in." I shut the door and follow her. And then I see it. Justins easel and an unfinished painting resting on it. A painting without a form, unable to read. But I can see. He was starting to paint me. As Daphne follows my eyes, she sighs a bit then says: "It's like he's still here- I have to have a ..." "Me too,"I confess."Cargo pants." We both laugh over this honest admission.

Then I become serious. "Was it- Did he leave because of me?" I don't think I want to hear the answer, but I know she'll give it anyway. Because she knows deep down I do want to hear.  
"You want the truth or the pretty version?" No bullshit, this girl.  
"Truth...I have to know, Daph. Please."

"Ok. He was broken when Ethan and he broke up.He left you for pretty words and all he got was bruises...H-"  
"Woooh, slow down. Ethan fucking beat him?" She nods silently. " Oh God, I pushed him to it. I - I have to sit down.. HOW COULD I HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN? Oh no.nonono." I start mumbling...I've been so stupid!

"Brian, BRIAN! No sense in beating yourself up about it."  
"You're right - I'm so gonna beat HIM up about it. Where the fuck is he?" I'm fuming.  
"Europe" She says. Aah. Makes sense. "BUT WOULD YOU FUCKING SHUT UP SO I CAN EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED BEYOND THAT?"

I stare at my hands, like a little boy caught stealing cookies.

"Right, thank you."She tells me." So, he was broken up about that, for a while even thought he deserved to be beaten, for leaving you. Luckily I talked him out of that." I nod my thanks.

"He missed you so much he had difficulty breathing. His allergies came more frequent than ever. He was so fucked up. And that's when he wrote you the letter. Then, when you didn't meet him that night, he got the message and left. I mean it was pretty clear that if you didn't come after that letter, you wanted nothing to do with him. Christ Brian, how could you just not show up?" Accusing.

"Daphne. I never got a letter." I panick. Fuck. So apparently he wrote me a letter asking me to meet him and I didn't show up? Fuck. That must've broken his heart?

"What?" She claps her hand in front of her mouth. "No, Brian, NO! He attached the letter to your door on Thursday, two weeks ago. Please, tell me there was a letter attached to it.Please! Oh fuck me, this is so not happening!"

I am panicking and really having trouble breathing."Daph," I manage to croak out,"the letter-what did it say?"

Tears are rolling down her brown cheeks."It said that, if you ever cared about him - you, you'd meet him that night at ten on the roof."

And then I start to cry. "I - I never saw it. I would've ran to the roof if I had. Daphne, I love him. HOW could I NOT have GOTTEN THAT LETTER?""What happened, Sunshine?" I whisper.

Wheels start rotating in my head. Thursday thursday thursday thursday. I came home - no letter. Wait- yes. Letter from Mickey. 

His words appear in front of my eyes : So I let myself in - didn't think you'd mind.

NO!


	4. We Will Be Winners

BRIANS POV

"No."

He wouldn't.

You know he would, and you know...you know he did.

"-ian?U - ay?" Daphne's voice sounds like a distant memory. You didn't forget she was here, you just - needed to be reminded of it.

You would lie, but you wonder if she'd buy it. She HAS been Justins best friend since I was 13 or so. So I just shake my head.

"You know who has the letter- don't you", she asks me and I cannot lie to her. She is the only one I can turn to when missing Justin and I love her. I nod silently, still trying to keep my tears (and emotions) in check.

"It's-"  
"Michael." She finishes for me.Uh- wha? I raise an eyebrow to show her my suprise. I want to put my walls down for her, but I am already feeling too vulnerable as it is. 

"You knew?You- you KNEW?" My voice is sounding shrill, and menacing.  
"No I didn't," she replies in her calm voice. You know - the one she uses when she's trying to sound logic to me. "It's just...Brian if you KNOW who did it - there are few people you really, truly know. Tricks are dismissed the moment you cum. It is only in your friends that you show the least bit of interest, and well, if you make a list on who'd do that thing to you - even if he or she thought it to be for your own good - you can only come up with one name. You know how much Michael hates Justin, especially now. I don't know about you but..."

I swallow hard. "It's just, Daph, how could he do that?" I start pacing her room with wide steps, figuring out what to do next. " I've got- I've got to go."

Just as I turn my back she calls out to me.

"Uhm. Brian - I was, wondering if, you know, I get kind of lonely sometimes and I figured maybe, maybe you do too. I mean, you don't have to admit it to me, I know how hard that is for you. It's just-" Her eyes begin to sparkle. "- Wanna have a sleepover?"

I try to hide a smile, yet one pops out of nowhere. I run towards her and hug her tight.

"I'd love to."

 

JUSTINS POV

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me n..

As I tear the petals of the rose I found growing in the field where I lay, I start saying this childish rhyme. As if it would make a fucking difference. But it helps me to dream again.

He loves me. The rose concludes.

Yet he doesn't. He made that fucking obvious. I dream. And I remember. 

I remember the way his arms felt around me, snuggling me close to him in his sleep. Brian Kinney doesn't snuggle- my ass.

DAPHNES POV

Brian Kinney doesn't snuggle-my ass.

He is sleeping in Justins bed with a pillow curled into his arms, his arm slung around it losely, yet protective. Like- if anything would happen, the pillow (a.k.a Justin) would always come first. His expression is so loving, his cheeks are still tearstaind.

I love this man, I really do. He has been so good to Justin and every once in a while, he has been amazing with me. Like tonight. Damn, this is sooome sleepover. I laugh quietly. We did that too,you know. We laughed. And it felt so good after all the tears we'd cried.

*

"Brian," I tell him as he's about to leave. "I know what you are going to do today. Just - let me know how you are and remember that I'll be here tonight, Okay?"

"Yes, honey." He laughs. Bastard. I know he'll listen to me though. He's fucking Brian and I fucking know him.


	5. We Will Be Winners

A/N : The "movie I once saw" is Anna and the King. They were playing it on telly this afternoon. Thanks to K's choice for there music.

And as always... dedicated to Les.

* * *

JUSTINS POV

day three.-.

'You go there - you'll go forever  
I go there - I'll lose my way  
We stay here - We'll walk together  
Anywhere is.'

I never really understood those lyrics of my favorite Enya-song. Anywhere is. Anywhere is - what? Better than here? Worse? A place I'll think of you? The last would apply to my situation. This place isn't better than home. It isn't worse. It is another place where I think about him. This journey to salvation will have the same results as any. 

You know, there's this movie I once saw, where someone says that she has travelled many paths in her head, yet none have reached a perfect destination. The other answered that a path is about the journey you take, not about the destination. I don't know- maybe they are right. Maybe this journey will change my life and I will find out where I belong. 

I just wish I could stop thinking about the one I left behind. 

The one I love.

'All that I am missing is you, my love'

BRIANS POV

My anger is flaring and I will myself to cool down. I find it particulary difficult today. Usually the only one who can calm me down in this kind of situation is..Don't-don't-don't think about him. Hold back the tears.

I just went from angry to sad. Uh-oh, here comes the anger again when I remind myself of WHY I am sad. It all comes down to this.

'Watch me.   
I'm coming closer - I am the mood you're in tonight

You better hide.'

MICHAELS POV - Red Cape Comics

The doorbell rings to announce the arrival of a customer. I glance up and smile once I notice who has entered my humble establishment. It's HIM.

I quickly finish my bussiness with some teenage pimple-kid (I even think I returned to much change.I don't care.)

I run over to kiss him hello but he shies away from me. This is the first time he's ever done that. Ow, well, probably had a bad day at work. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. He loves me, I'm his BEST friend, you know?

"Hi Asshole, I was wondering when I'd see you. You didn't call me yesterday, I was worried." I start, putting on my puppyface.

With a voice resembling ice, he states: "I'm not your partner Michael, and you're not my warden. I'll call when I feel like it."

Yikes, must've been some client.  
" Someone had a bad day at work" I tell him in a sing-song voice. What amazes me is his reply to my insinuation. "I didn't go to work today, Michael." he tells me in his would-you-shut-the-fuck-up-about-it-voice (and facial expression).

"Well, then where the fuck were you? I tried to reach you, but you wouldn't answer. I mean, c'mon, Bri, I'm your BEST Friend!" I tell him, my anger starting to rise in the back of my head.

"I spend the day with a friend." He tells me. "You know, I have friends besides you, Michael."

"Yeah?" I mock him. "Like who? Emmett, Ted, Linds or what - Mel?"

BRIANS POV

I never noticed how abnoxious Michael could be. Until now.  
"That is none of YOUR fucking bussiness!" Maybe I should tell him, you know, to gage his reaction. I swear to God, though, if he dares to insult Daph, I'll fucking kick his ass.

"You know what? You want to know, huh?" well, the yelling has started apparantly. He nods his nead furiously, angry yet cautious. Which angers me more, he doesn't have a fucking right to be angry. What did he think, that once he eliminated the love of my life, he could take his place and own me? FUCK - HIM.

"Well, not that I should explain anything to YOU, but I spent the night at Daphne's. Sh - "

"Why did you fucking go to her when I was waiting for you? What - you decided that when your puppy went away, you'd go find yourself a bitch?"

And then - I lose it and find out that I have a great left hook.   
I don't know why I hit him with that hand, I usually hit people with the other one.Maybe it's because I've never been this angry before. 

And as he lies on the floor, gathering himself, I shout at him : " Why did you remove his letter Michael? YOU HAD NO RIGHT!"

Ok, here comes Saint Michael. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about ASSHOLE! What letter? I never saw one! ooh that's right - she put this nonsense in your head, didn't she? Who're you gonna believe, Brian? Your best friend or that -" 

"I swear to God, you insult her one more time and you'll wish you never met me." I threaten him. Luckely,(for him) he listens and snaps his stupid mouth SHUT.

"If you ever decided to tell me what you did to him and to me, call me on my cell. Until then, I don't want to hear a thing from you. As far as I'm concerned, we're through."

EXIT BRIAN.

* 

DAPHNES POV

I'm shopping for groceries when my cellphone rings. The display: -- BRIAN IS CALLING-- 

I pick up while trying to pull a crate of yogurt off the shelf and putting it in my basket.

"Yeah?" My voice is thick with concern, I know he must noticed, he doesn't change a thing.

"It's me. Can I come over - Please?"

"I'll be home in ten.Meet me there."

Smile/worry.


	6. We Will Be Winners

A/N: Dedicated to Leslie.

* * *

Sundayevening, Debs Familydinner

Brians POV

The table is silent. Me and Michael each have our little table-domain, on opposite sides of the table, which is an uncommon accurance. Everybody notices but chooses to remain silent about it - they know better than to interfere. Everyone but Debbie, who is supiciously absentminded, like she has something to say but doesn't dare to. It is only when Michael excuses himself to go to the bathroom, that she dares to speak her mind.

"I'm so sorry everybody, I just couldn't say it in front of my dickhead-son, who would just cause a scene, but - I got a letter from Sunshine today. He says he misses you guys and - (she swallows) that he's okay." Her voice cracks a little when she says those last words, raw of emotions. I - did and didn't expect this to happen. He loves Deb. And Deb is his link to us, to - to me? Did he write to her to reach me? I allow myself to believe that he still loves me, even when he THINKS I hate him and never cared about him. Christ, I still can't believe that fact.

We hear footsteps on the 1st floor, signifying that Michael's about to 'grace' us with his company. So she adds in one last whisper: "If anyone wants to see the letter, come and see me sometime..." 

What she doesn't realize is that she has given me the perfect opportunity to read his letter without having to put my guard down.

"Sooo..." Whineman begins. "What'd I miss?"

"Well," Emmett comes to our rescue,"I was just telling everybody that Ricky Martin has a fake butt. I mean, when he performs, he ..."

We love you, Emmett, WE DO.

*

After dinner I drive over to Daphne's. Our sleepovers have become a regular occurrence. Haven't been to Babylon in weeks. There goes the reputation. I thought I would be upset, but I'm not. Haven't had a trick in about the same ammount of time. He would be proud of me.

"Hey gorgeous," she answers her door,"Come on up."

"You know Brian, I think I should make ya a spare key to this place. I -" She's ranting. She always does that when she's excited about something. Just like him.

"He wrote to Deb." Nice interruption, Kinney.

You have a way with women.

*

The next day - BENS POV

As I round the corner to Tremont I keep on convincing myself that I am doing the right thing. "He deserves to know," is resounding in my head like a record on repeat. When I ring the doorbell he aswers with a short 'Yeah?'

"Brian, it's Ben. There's..something you need to know.It's about Justin." I get out, speaking faster than usual. Nervous.

As soon as I say the name "Justin" he buzzes me in. I take the stairs three at a time. Hurry before I change my mind, though it's hard to change it, the record's still on repeat.

He meets me halfway, something he's never done before. I smile when he reminds me once again how much he loves Justin. 

"You-"he begins,"said something about Justin. What happened - Is he okay?" He is just as nervous as I am.

"I don't know, Brian. It's just that - I found something when I was searching for my car keys this morning...It's a -"

I hear his breath catch.

"You found his letter?" He asks, wishing, hoping and fearing the answer will be positive. I nod and hand him the envelope, while playing the record for him to hear."You deserve to know, Brian. I don't know why Michael- how could he..?" I still am shocked about the way my partner behaved in this situation.

Brian nods. He understands.

"Thank you, Ben."He whispers to me.

" I don't know how I'm going to deal with..." I don't know, I really don't.

"You'll figure it out." His voice is raw with emotion, his tears are threatening to spill. I can see he has been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

So I leave him with a letter of goodbye.


	7. We Will Be Winners

Brian fell to the ground, clutching the letter in his left hand, afraid it would confirm what he already knew to be true. That the love he'd known had been driven away by the man he had considered a friend. Had, he told himself. He didn't know if he could go on - pretending. Because that is what it would be. And Brian is not hypocrite.

He regrets. 

BRIANS POV

10: 13

I woke up to the sound of my own crying. The events of last night returning to me. Reading his letter, seeing the words he wrote and hearing his voice whisper them to me, like glass needles inside my heart.

This is why I never wanted to fall in love.

Is it worth this pain, this constant craving?  
Yes.

10:35

I grab my leather jacket and head out the door, with only one destination in mind. I'm in some serious need of fatherly advise.

The NOVOTNY-GRASSI residence. 11:07

VICS POV

Rain is pouring out of the sky and someone's fucking knock knock knocking on our door. 

"Christ, I'm comin'. Hold the fuck on!" I smirk when my back is acting up, causing me to stop momentarily. After a minute or so I 'm finally able to open the freaking door and answer the impatient soul behind it. I come face to face with a soaked to the bone Brian. I don't know what's staining his cheeks, tears or rain. Both.

I open the door wide and gesture for him to come in. Brian's always been a non-verbal type, just like me. We don't need translation.

After minutes of silence I start to inquire after the reason he came to me. I said me, I know. Because I know He knows that Debbie's shift just started an hour ago. He's a bright man.

"You miss him, don't you." He nods silently, while trying to swallow the apparent lump of emotion in his throat. "'s what I thought." I get up and make my way to the kitchencounter, and remove the letter Deb has chained to it. Handing it to him, I ask him if this is what he was looking for.

"That too." He whispers."I - need some advise, Vic. Let me just - read this first, k?" I nod my approval. I will give him the advise he needs. I'll try.

I can see wheels rotating in his head, trying to figure things out, recognizing his lover in the writing, in the words. His eyebrows go up at one moment, and I don't need to see the sentence, I know what he is asking me.

"A codename." I tell him.  
"For who?"   
"For you." I tell him softly, trying to ease the blow.

And that was the moment his world came crashing down on him.

BRIANS POV

I tell Vic everything, starting with the unknown letter, the discovery of its existence and the reason I never received it. The sleepovers at Daphne's and Bens choice. He listens, as I knew he would, shocked when I tell him about Michaels plan, and supportive of my reaction to it. Worried, as a father would be. Trying to help but unable to. Who is ?

*

Thursdaynight sleepover - the morning after

"Daphne I -"

I stop dead in my tracks when I see the look on her face and then the object she's holding.

"He wrote."She whispers."He-" She breaks down on the floor, still clutching the letter to her chest.

I was never good at comforting people, especially women. But I think I am doing pretty okay. Sitting next to her on the floor, rubbing her back, pulling her into my arms and just...holding her. It keeps me from breaking down too. I pick her up (if I were straight this would be so romantic) and put her down gently on her bed. The next thing I do is pick up my phone and dial.

"Cynthia? I just want you to know that I won't be coming into work for a couple of hours..No, I'm not sick...yes I know the flu is spreading...No, I don't have a fever...Cynthia.CYNTHIA! It's something..personal..I don't know if I'm okay yet.I'll let you know... Yeah, bye."

At that exact same moment Daphne appears in the doorway to her room, the envelope opened in her hand, tears staining her cheeks.   
"You...should read it,"She whispers."I want you to. It's okay."

I take the letter from her and try to control my breathing.  
As soon as I see his handwriting, my emotions get the better of me and tears fall down my cheeks.

\--

My Daphne.

I miss you so much, and if I know you, you feel the same. I'm so sorry I left. I just needed to get away. The love of my life didn't want me and never has and it...just tore me apart. It still does, even though it's amazing out here. You should see it, Daph. At this very moment I am lying in a green field filled with flowers. None of which bother my allergies, thank God.  
If they had, don't worry about me, I brought my medicin. So don't go all dramaqueen-mode while reading this, okay? That's what you get being a faghag I guess. - Daphne, you are the best hag a fag can get and if I return, I'll never leave you again. 

If I return, I don't know what I'll do. I'll figure everything out once I reach the destination of my journey though. I'm riding to the ocean. Because the ocean forces you to dream and think about your life. I don't have a problem dreaming. I'm doing as instructed by a friend of mine: dreaming all day long and sleeping at night. I dream about him, you know. All day long. I wonder if he even notices I have left. Do you ever see him? Is he ok? Of course he is, his stalker has left town.God.This hurts so much.

I almost wrote him a letter you know that? No - I'm putting it wrong. I WROTE him a letter and almost posted it. I told him that I miss him. I told him that I love him. That I keep on loving him even after I've gone. 

But what difference would it make. I said all that in the letter didn't I? Look what came of that.

I won't get over him, but will continue this journey to the ocean, with Lander by my side.

I love you.

Justin.

\--

I drop the letter on the floor and bury my head in my hands. Full out crying until I hear a voice so soft, right next to me.

"I know where he is, Brian." She's half laughing, half crying.A smile breaks through when she repeats her statement.

"I know."


	8. We Will Be Winners

A/N : As always this chapter is dedicated to Les. The songs used in this fic are "Lifehouse - Storm" and "K's choice - 20.000 seconds". Both bands have made a great impact on my life and these are two of my most favorite songs. I often think that Storm was written just for me. Do you ever get that feeling? Reviews very very very much appreciated.

* * *

BRIANS POV

For a moment, I don't think I have heard her correctly. Maybe it was just my imagination. I mean, like, wishful thinking. But then she says it again. And again. And again. And I leap up and spin her around while our tears mingle. We laugh as if we've never laughed before. Damn. 

She starts to talk about some aunt named frida and a horse named Lander who live in Canada. Wait, wait - a horse? She nods her head furiously and smiles.

Okay. So, what do I know. Lander horse aunt Canada.

I turn my head to Daphne.

"Pack up your shit. Let's go."

 

JUSTINS POV

day twelve.-.

I think about you as the sky darkens and thunderclouds roll in. I've always been afraid of storms and you found out one day, as I lay in bed next to you, shaking like a leaf. I lay in bed next to you. Next to you. I can still remember the way your skin felt, as you spooned me and started whispering sweet nothings. A thing, I know, you would deny anyone else. Then why wasn't it enough to make you care? How could you not have. Sometimes I wonder if it was all just, like, wishful thinking.  
That night you spoke to me of nothing. You told me everything I needed to know.

After that night, you never left my side during a storm.  
If I could just see you right now. 

I love you, Bri.

 

*

The rain pours down as Justin seeks solace in his own arms, pretending them to be Brians. He thinks - 'if only'. Closes his eyes and dreams of him, as he hears a record play.

 

'How long have I been in this storm?   
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form   
Water's getting harder to tread   
With these waves crashing over my head   
If I could just see you   
Everything would be all right   
If I happen to see you   
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water   
And you will catch me if I fall   
And I will get lost into your eyes   
And everything will be all right   
And everything will be all right 

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown   
So why am I ten feet under and upside down   
Barely surviving has become my purpose   
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface   
If I could just see you   
Everything would be all right   
If I'd see you   
This darkness would turn to light 

And I will walk on water   
And you will catch me if I fall   
And I will get lost into your eyes   
And everything will be all right   
And I would walk on water   
You will catch me if I fall   
And I will get lost into your eyes.   
and everything, will be alright.' 

*

BRIANS POV 

Daphne's packing so I dial ahead. 

"Liberty Air, how may we help you?"

As I book the next flight to Canada - for 2, One way.- Daphne comes out of her bedroom and hurries towards the bathroom, then the kitchen, and the... I mouth the words SIT THE FUCK DOWN and she does.

A couple of minutes later everything's all set.  
"So, Princess, you ready? Our flight leaves in about - euhm - 18 minutes and 57 seconds."

Let's take the jeep for a spin.

*

As I stare out to the clouds, I wonder what you're doing. A storm is brewing. Who's holding you now, Justin? How will you get through this - how will I? I have this theory that when you love someone, you start feeling what they are feeling when the going gets tough.  
I think I can feel you know. And all I want to do is hold you and whisper. I can do neither and it makes me feel so helpless.

I look over at Daphne, who is snoring lightly in the seat next to mine. She is one hell of a woman Justin. No bullshit, just pure beauty.

You were always beautiful to me. Did I ever tell you that? And I love you. You can't even imagine how much. I could tell you I love you to the moon and back, it would be cliché. I could tell you that I love you so much I can hardly breathe and it would be the truth.

You scared me, you know. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life, like I have been the past 29 - okay, 31 years. And then came you. A twink, a one night stand, a 'persistent kid', for lack of better word. When did you turn into the love of my life?

How could he do that to you? There have been a lot of 'he' 's in your life. He who raised you, and treated you like shit because you fell in love with me. Wrecked my car, battered you heart for the first time. He who swung the bat at the best night of your life because he didn't like a fag and his lover. Battered your body, a plea to be remembered. And he who promised, raised his fist and battered both.

And me.  
The man who loves but never showed it. The man who flies but keeps himself grounded in front of eyes of others. The man who would do anything to be with you right now.

I'm coming.

*

The next morning - Aunt Fridas

The taxi drops us of in front of a mansion, vines circling the walls and flowers decorating the garden. Even from this distance, I can tell which ones would bother Justins allergies. And I see cornflowers the color of his eyes. I have to detach my eyes from them before my eyes start tearing up. I don't have allergies to blame tears on.

A woman opens the door and comes running towards us, almost tripping in her haste to reach us.

"Da - phne!" She cries dramatically while hugging her favorite -almost- niece. They both kiss into the air, which is a girl thing, I s'pose. I'll let this slide,...for now.

"And you." The freaking woman hits me! I can't believe this, I mean, we haven't even met for Chrissakes.  
"He loves you," she tells me,"Are you worth it?"

I drop my head and shake it, and while lifting my eyes to her I whisper: "I love him."

My voice cracks at the end of the statement, but I don't care. I lift my eyes to the sky, trying to blink myself a way out of crying. She can see though. These mother-types know everything.  
"Good.Here's his number."

"Why can't I see him?" I ask, afraid of what the answer might be.  
"Because, silly," she nudges me at my shoulder," he's gone riding to sea. Don't know when he'll return. So I gave him a cellphone, in case of ""emergencies"" " She adds quotations to the word. I bet she knew I'd come find him all along.

I won't call him. I won't. But hear me out. I'll send him messages that... Ah, you'll see. Let us hope he sees it too.

 

JUSTINS POV

day 13.-.

The storm has passed and the sun begins it journey as if it has always been there. It has, I guess. Yet all my days are rainy. 

The cellphone beeps its way through breakfast, announcing a message has arrived. I pick it up and feel tears roll down my cheeks when I read what it says:

'Cause we're all so strong  
when nothing's wrong  
and the world is at our feet

But how small we are  
when our love is far away 

and all I need is you.

Brian.


	9. We Will Be Winners

A/N: I would like to thank all the artists, all the songs that have helped me so far in writing this story. I can't thank you enough...  
Happy thanksgiving, everyone!   
love ya, Les.  
xxx

* * *

JUSTINS POV

It can't be him. I mean, maybe it's aunt frida, trying to cheer me up. I mean - I know the number is..It really is his number. Oh God. It really is him. But how did he get mine? The only one who has it is aunt frida and she doesn't even know Brian. So the only reason he would've been able to get it is - did he come for me? But how - and most importantly - why? Does he love me - did he ever? But I thought. The letter.

I don't understand.

Brian! I don't..

 

BRIANS POV

I stare at the cellphone and try convincing it to ring with my Rage- mindpowers. I know that if I leave the room it'll ring. Or buzz. Or - whatever. My heart will start to beat. I will start to breathe. Maybe I should go shopping with the ladies and take my cell with me. Or maybe I should just go grab a snack and - yeah, yeah - I'll do that. Ok. It's good. I stand up. Sit back down. Make my feet do merry-go-round. I have to - clear my head. Get some fresh air.

* 

Sure enough the screen is blinking when I get back. A message. Him. I have to - . I stand up. Sit back down. Make my feet do merry-go-round. And open the message. I clutch the cell to my chest. This thing is now my lifeline, my only connection to the one I love. Thank god for these times of technology.

Is the fighting over?  
\- I lost track.  
Like a wave it all comes back  
\- same kaleidoscope I see  
a thousand people stare at me.

It's hard to do,  
it's hard to try.  
It's hard to stop wondering why.

I want to know.

Justin.

I typ a message back to him. To let him know. Let him see.

And if I fall through these days   
that go by without cause  
Just a painful mistake   
has left me here on my own

And if I fall through these nights   
I can't seem to go on  
Just a sign that you're with me   
gives me the strength to hold on

J,I never got your letter until   
it was too late.  
Best friends aren't happy campers.  
Michael - he took you away from me.   
I never knew you were leaving.   
I would've ran to that roof.   
This I promise you.

Brian. - I miss you.

The secret's out. The truth unraveled. My feelings out in the open. Don't let him break my heart.

JUSTINS POV

My eyes are crying and my heart is - beating. That's a reaction I haven't gotten in a while. 

Michael. I should have known. That - I don't know what to call him. A bastard. A thief. A murderer. I know he never liked me, but how could he do something like this to me - to us? Provided that there is an us?

Every time I think of you  
I always catch my breath  
And I'm still standin' here  
And you're miles away

And there's a message   
that I'm sendin' out   
Like a telegraph to your soul  
And if I can't bridge this distance  
Stop this heartbreak overload

B,is there still an us  
\- I wonder.  
It's just hard, you know  
I left you for -

And wisdom always chooses  
these black eyes  
and these bruises  
over the heartache   
that they say   
never completely goes away.

and I still love you so much   
I can't breathe.  
I'm going riding to the sea.  
Should be there the day after   
tomorrow.

Justin. - I love you.Always.

BRIANS POV

My heart isn't being broken - I realize. It is being loved.

The sea is such a vague concept. Where would he go?

{wherever you go - I will be waiting}


	10. We Will Be Winners

DAPHNES POV

I wanna know what the fuck is going on and I want to know it NOW! 

As I am pacing the manor, aunt Frida enters the stage.

"Calm the fuck down, Daphne." She smiles this all-knowing smile of hers, making me understand that she knows every single thing I am feeling, every thing Justin is feeling, hell, even every thing Brian is feeling. She's like this mother-type and they just KNOW - you know? Kind of like Deb. Brian feels it too, I know. And it ennurves the fucker more than he'll ever admit.I bet she knows that too.

"I just - I , I.can't!! You know - they're like, my brothers. Fucking both of them.I love them, and they love eachother and. Sh..it!" I rub my hand over my face to soothe my nerves, like Dr. Phil told me. I'm gonna sue that freaking Phil because this.is not.working.

At that same moment I hear footsteps. I stop my pacing and just stare at the ceiling, like it's about to reveal everything.

It is.

AUNT FRIDAS POV

I take a deep breath. Here he comes.

*

BRIANS POV 

I descend the stairs slowly, deliberately teasing Daph. I know the girl well enough to know that she's dying down there. I- I wanted to say that I was dying too, but I am not. Not anymore. I'm just nervous and excited and..missing him more than I can stand.

As I typ him a final message, I have to sit down for a minute because the feelings gets just - too intense.

I always heard I could get hurt,  
I knew that from the start.  
Break my face, my back, my arms, my neck,  
but please don't break my heart.

We will be us - forever.  
The declaration you crave -  
Maybe I can't say it,  
but I feel it.

SEND.

*

"Bri-aaan?" I hear being yelled from behind the only door separating us now.

"Yeah?" I shout back to her.  
"Well come the fuck on!"

Dang, I love this girl.

*

"So,this is where he will be, for sure - right?"I ask her, too scared that she'll change her mind and shatter my hopes for the second time in weeks.  
"Yes." She says it so easily, like these days won't change my life forever. Forever. Because if I get him back - WHEN I get him back - I'm not letting him go. Ever Again. 

I'll have my own free haven.

*

{Ozark Henry - Free haven}

You can have your own free haven   
you can have your own   
so take it  
make it  
it won't fail  
it will save you  
on a grey day

*

JUSTINS POV

It is snowing. I lift my face up to the sky and let white pieces cover me. Feeling the cold, feeling the beauty of it all. 

He all but said he loves me. But that's not what I heard. Or read.

I heard the wind whisper his love to me. Feel the snowflakes tell me what I should have known.

I spread my arms and fly while falling.


	11. We Will Be Winners

JUSTINS POV

The landscapes fly past me. The forests, the rivers, the sun.

I can see it. The sun.  
Sunshine. I can feel it.

I search my pulse to find it beating.  
I search my heart to find it dreaming.

The way I used to be.

Want to know a secret?  
I think I am alive.

 

 

 

BRIANS POV

As I am riding Faye, taking the fast road to where I know he'll be, I can't help but wonder why the hell Justin got the stud. Both - studs. What happened that made him love me? Made him see this stubborn heart and break down all its walls. I was an asshole, I know I was. Yet he never gave up on me. Never took the easy road and just - stopped. I think I know what love is now. 

I wear his letter of heartbreak (both his and mine) to my chest, like the scarf once drained with blood. 

I just need to feel him close tonight.


	12. We Will Be Winners

A/N : This will be the last chapter of my story, the next chapter will be an "extra.". Thank you all so much for the things you have written to me about this story. As I probably already said too many times - It means the world to me. I love you all. Let me know if you like this ending, since this is the first series I have ever finished. Thank you so much again - for everything you have done for me.xxxL.

* * *

JUSTINS POV

I sit and watch the tide change. The waves are singing songs of love to grains of sand, unable to reach them. They are lovers to eachother, I knew that even as a kid. I can hear their pain when they're apart. But whether they are apart or together, I can always feel their love.

I found myself at sea a lot of times, watching the sun disappear behind a grey horizon, leaving just her light behind. Water shining in yellow light. Golden rays spreading over thousand drops of water.

I wish you were here, Brian.  
I wish - 

I wish you saw things just like me at this moment. 

I wish you would forget everything but who I am, right now. Dancing on the shores of almost healing heartache. 

 

BRIANS POV

How could I even think about us being apart?

He is standing on the shore, his feet just touching the water. A black form is visible where his body cuts through the landscape, the golden water surrounding him. He looks like love to me.

My breath hitches and I have to swallow hard, blinking a couple of times to save the tears that have formed.

Beauty is reflected in my eyes.

For one last time, my hand reaches trembling for my lifeline.

Water shines in yellow light  
and love is dancing frenzied,   
fooling me and you.

You're everything.  
Everything.

Justin.   
Turn around.  
Tell me what you see.

Love.Brian.

JUSTINS POV

A buzzing cuts through my thoughts. I smile to myself when my heart tells me that he is here. He will always be.

I whisper final wishes to the waves and run towards my backpack, pulling out my cellphone. My lifeline. 

Water shines in yellow light  
and love is dancing frenzied,   
fooling me and you.

You're everything.  
Everything.

Justin.   
Turn around.  
Tell me what you see.

Love.Brian.

I want to turn around, but for a moment my body won't allow me to. I am torn between my love and logic. Listen to my heart and turn around, fearing hope will let me down and break my heart again.

It doesn't.

 

BRIANS POV

He turns around. Is unable to believe what his eyes tell him to.

I hadn't even realized I was moving until I am standing a feet away from him. Cautiously not to go too fast.

"What do you see?" I hear myself ask, my voice unstable, my eyes spilling the tears they saved for this - This moment, this man, this honest confession.

"I. I see -  
I see you." He whispers, still not quite believing the fact that I am standing here, with him. I can hear him thinking.

* Any moment now. Any moment he'll disappear.Any moment I will be alone again.*

"Yes you do."

JUSTINS POV

Any moment now. Any moment he'll disappear.Any moment I will be alone again.

I turn to sea and hope to find my answers there when I hear his voice whisper to me, so many confessions in one sentence of three words.

"Yes you do."

He has come closer to me when I turn around, and when I see his hand reaching for my cheek, I lean into his touch. I can feel him.

His lips descend to mine and brush them lightly. 

And that is the moment. That is the moment we both realize where we belong. 

Together.

{and I sink into your arms}

*

Two forms collide on the shore, water closing in on them. Two souls come as one, while waves fulfill their wishes.

They kissed. They danced. They loved.   
But most importantly - They lived.


End file.
